Mystery of Stonehenge Solved

Salisbury, England (GTN)-The mystery of Stonehenge has finally been solved.



What researchers once thought was a center for religious worship or an ancient astronomical observatory has now turned out to be something much more exciting.


New research on the Salisbury Plain in England shows that Stonehenge was the site of an ancient talent contest experts are now dubbing 'Stonehenge Idol'.


" It's now clear that the enigmatic stone circle was a huge sound stage, complete with judges table," said Richard Mehard, chief archaeologist at the site.




New radio carbon dating from human burials and around the circle indicates the contest ran from 3000 B.C. until after the stone stage was erected around 2500 B.C. "What a successful run the show had," said Dick.



"What's interesting about the contestants is when they were eliminated from the competition, they were quite literally eliminated-killed and buried right here near the stage, entombed with stone slabs carved with their standing in the competition embedded right in their skulls," he said. He then proudly displayed a smashed human skull for the cameras. "Look! This guy was first runner-up!"






Fox Television is considering the idea of filming next season's Idol here at Stonehenge.To lend authenticity and in keeping with ancient tradition, Idol lawyers are exploring whether or not it is legal to kill and bury on site at least the first few weeks of American Idol 'rejects' that are such a popular part of the show. "I think it's doable!" said one attorney.


Host Ryan Seacrest is excited about the possibility of dressing as a Druid. "We could even have a 'Stone Temple Pilots' Week!" he said.

The Mystery of Humor has also been solved at Humor-Blogs.com

Balloon Leaves Without Deflated Jumper

(GTN)-Ballon Dysfonctionnement is French for my balloon has left without me. Well, not quite-but that's what happened in Saskatchewan, western Canada today.


Former French paratrooper Michel Fournier, 64,was hoping to shatter four World records-but that was not to be, as the capsule that was to take him aloft to a height of 130,000 feet (that's the equivalent of 130,000 common school rulers stacked end-to-end), then drop him into a 15 minute free-fall, was never attached to the balloon.


Fournier was wearing a fluorescent green pressurized suit like an astronaut on a space walk, and had entered the capsule around 2:30 a.m., breathing pure oxygen which cleanses the bloodstream and body tissues of dissolved nitrogen that might vaporize into a gas as he ascended, causing what experts call the bends-a sometimes fatal affliction.


They filled the balloon with helium from a filler truck nearby and as it began to rise, the small crowd gathered to witness the event began to cheer. Meanwhile, the Mayor of North Battleford, Julian Sadlowski proudly exclaimed, "This will put us on the map!"


"Official statements made to the press like that always seem to jinx any chance for success-ay, as the passengers of the "unsinkable" Titanic can attest," said one spectator. "This is why I voted against him-ay."


This was Fournier's third-and possibly last attempt to break the record. He has used his own money and is practically bankrupt. He asked if we could buy him an Egg McMuffin and Hash Brown prior to the launch. "I'm famished!" he pleaded.


It was a tragic accident. The man in charge of attaching the $100,000 balloon to the capsule left his post and went into the crowd to twist balloons into fun animal shapes for the kids, and had just forgotten to complete the job of securing the capsule. "The kids were cranky because of the early hour, and he thought he could help cheer them up," said one witness.







The ground around the runway was littered with the tattered remains of the high altitude balloon-and the macabre remains of balloon dogs, bears, and giraffes.

If this story has deflated your spirits...visit Humor-Blogs.com

Memorial Day Remembrance of Greatest American Hero

(GTN)-Did you know Memorial Day was originally called 'Decoration Day'?

No-we didn't either.

Traditional observance of Memorial Day has diminished over the years.

Many Americans nowadays have forgotten the meaning and traditions of Memorial Day.

So take a moment this Memorial Day to honor our Greatest American Hero.

Happy Memorial Day from all of us At Gelotology Today!

Humor-Blogs.com celebrates Memorial day!

Americans Having Fits With Wii Fit

Thanks to the Nintendo Wii video game system and their popular new Wii Fit video game, Americans of all shapes and sizes are quickly shedding the pounds.



"I was so fat last week, I was E-mailing the FCC asking when they were coming out with High Definition T.V. dinners," said Barbara Lemp of Lickskillet Ohio, who has lost 32lbs. this past week. "Thank you Wii Fit!"



Barbara is not alone. Thousands around the country are dropping pounds like Presidential candidates are dropping Reverends. The problem is, it's not because of the Wii Fit game and it's cute collection of mini-games or it's ground-breaking wireless balance board that you stand on. It's because they are running around town in an attempt to find the game.



"The little bastard at Wal-Mart informed me he just got in a shipment, so I ran as fast as I could to the store, only to find them sold out when I got there," said Brighton Early of New Hope, Pa. "Same thing at Best Buy, Toys-R-Us, and Sears." He then pulled up his pant leg and proudly added, "Check out my new calf muscles!"



Penny Dollar, a woman that only 2 weeks ago weighed 132 lbs. and was so excited to be the first woman to claim the Blog name 'Wii Fit Woman', now looks hauntingly like the late Karen Carpenter, and has vowed not to eat until someone gets her a Wii Fit. She then lifted her shirt. "Here, count my ribs," she boasted.



GT News caught up with Michael Nutter, who was weight-training in advance of Game Crazy's next shipment of the elusive game. "Thursday I had my hands on the last one at Target-but was wrestled to the ground by some fanatical Yoga instructor from the valley," he said as he paused between power-squats. "She twisted me up like a pretzel...I guarantee you that's not going to happen to me on Tuesday morning," he vowed.



Izuma Witgamo was one of the lucky ones who got his hands on one of the coveted Wii Fit games. Izuma, a Jujitsu expert and computer programmer from Fresno, Ca., used a highly secretive move to constrict blood flow to his opposing shopper's brain, rendering her unconscious. "I dropped her like a bad habit," he confessed. "I then outran twelve angry customers the two miles to my condo."



We asked Izuma which Wii Fit exercise he likes best. He replied,"Oh no, I sold that puppy on Ebay for $268 dollars."

You can find humor however...on Humor-Blogs.com

Reverends of McCain and Obama in Preach-Off

Las Vegas, Nevada (GTN)- In a battle reminiscent of 'The Thrilla in Manila', Reverends John Hagee and Jeremiah Wright went head-to-head Thursday night in the first ever 'Presidential Preach-Off' at Circus Circus in Las Vegas.

Rev Hagee (in the red boxers with white swastikas)-5'-7 1/2" and weighing in at 295 lbs., represented the presumptive Republican Presidential candidate John McCain. Rev Wright (in the black boxers with Bin Laden heads)-6'-2" and weighing 208lbs., threw down the word for Democratic Presidential hopeful Barak Obama.

"Pound for pound, Rev Hagee is as ignorant as any preacher in the ring today, but Jeremiah is eager to show the nation he still has what it takes to ruin Obama's bid for the White House," said broadcaster Jim Lampley, seated ringside prior to the bout.

"'Hags' has been training in the gym at the Democratic National Headquarters for 3 months, and he will come out preachin'," said Rev Hagee's trainer Nancy Pelosi.

"America's chickens are coming home to roost again," exclaimed Rev. Wright-as trainer Rush Limbaugh prepared the spit bucket.

Hagee was floored by a big combination from Wright in the second round, when the combatant blamed whites for supporting state terrorism and inventing the Aids virus, but the wiley Hagee picked himself off the canvas and responded with a devastating left hook to the preacher's jaw with an 8 lb. King James Version Life Application Study Bible.

"I'm delighted," Pelosi said. "We had been working on that left hook in training and it just connected perfectly.

"The challenger Hagee continued to pour on the pressure in the final round-testifying that Adolf Hitler had acted as an agent of God to cause the Holocaust to send more Jews to the Holy Land before Wright was spared further punishment by the referee.

Much to the dismay of both parties, the Preach-Off ended in a draw. "This thing is far from over!" Hillary Clinton said.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

The Shocking Results of GT Teen Oral Sex Survey

(GTN)-According to a new survey conducted by the Guttmacher Institute, the perception that teens aged 15-19 frequently substitute oral sex for vaginal intercourse in order to maintain their virginity is a myth.


Slightly more than half (55%) of 15–19-year-olds have engaged in heterosexual oral sex, 50% have engaged in vaginal sex and 11% have had anal sex. However, both oral and anal sex are much more common among teens who have already had vaginal intercourse than among those who have not, suggesting that teens initiate a range of sexual activities around the same time, rather than substitute one for another, the Guttmacher Institute reports.


“There is a widespread belief that teens engage in non-vaginal forms of sex, especially oral sex, as a way to be sexually active while still claiming that technically, they are virgins,” says study author Laura Lindberg. “However, our research shows that this supposed substitution of oral sex for vaginal sex is largely a myth. There is no good evidence that teens who have not had intercourse engage in oral sex with a series of partners.”



GT News, in an effort to verify the veracity of the study, sent out our very own Medical Editor, Dr. Mo Lester to survey students at French Lick High School in French Lick, Indiana to get the scoop.


Dr. Lester polled students aged 15- 19 during 2nd Lunch, asking students if they had had heterosexual oral sex, and if they had, if they had engaged in vaginal or anal sex.


GT News regrets to inform our readers that the results of this survey are incomplete. Our goal was to double the amount of teens that were surveyed in the Guttmacher study.


Unknown to GT News at the time, Dr. Lester had previously been convicted as an Internet predator in 2001, and was registered as a sexual predator in the national registry, and therefor could not be on school grounds.



Chatting under the screen name of "touchytheclown63" in the summer of 1999, he was apprehended at the Hansberry Mall in Tupelo, Mississippi in an Internet sting operation.


GT News lawyers are now pouring over his application to verify his credentials.



Dr. Lester is currently awaiting his court date in the French Lick County Correctional Facility.

GT News will make every effort to complete the study, and bring you the results, after the hearing.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

U.S. Ranked 97th on Global Peace Index

(GT News)-Seria is a more peaceful nation than the United States of America. So is Kazakhstan, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Cuba, Libya, Nicaragua, Vietnam and South Korea.

These are the findings of the Institute for Economics and Peace as published in the Global Peace Index.

The Global Peace Index is a ground-breaking milestone in the study of peace. It is the first time that an Index has been created that ranks the nations of the world by their peacefulness and identifies some of the drivers of that peace. Experts from all fields fought like cats and dogs to decide which factors carried the most weight.

The Global Peace Index (or GPI) ranks 121 nations in 24 categories ranging from a country's military expenditure, to it's relations to neighbouring countries and the level of respect for human rights.

The United States currently ranks 97th on the GPI, down from 96th in 2007. Comparisons are difficult due to 19 new nations being added this year, eight of which are rated higher than the U.S., for an overall +7 net gain over 2007. Mexico, - 7 from last year, still outranks the U.S. in peacefulness at 93rd. I knew that plan for a border fence was a bad idea.

Topping the list of most peaceful nations is Iceland, with a population of about 300,00 people- one of which is currently in jail. Iceland is a new country on the GPI's list. Ironically, Iceland's government approved on Monday the commercial hunting of whales this year, a move that drew quick criticism from conservationists. "They're friggin' whale killers!," said a GT News government source in Denmark, who is second on the list. It makes you wonder where they would be on the list if it had come out in the winter, when there is only four hours of sunlight per day.

Iceland is home to the Icelandic Phallological Museum and it's collection of penises. It is unclear at this time whether this was a determining factor by the Institute.

The GPI ranks countries in numerous categories such as internal and external peace, with internal peace comprising 60% of the score to 40% for external peace. Clearly, charity begins at home. Scores for each category range from 1 being the best score, to 5, the worst score a country can receive.

China-a country that doesn't give one a warm, fuzzy feeling and is criticized for it's human rights record, ranks 67th with a score of 1.981. Compare that to the United States- 97th with a score of 2.227, and you begin to get an idea of how other countries view Americans.

President Bush looked like he was ready to kill someone when handed the list. When the President was informed it was an Aussie who founded the organization he said, "Australia, when I'm finished with Iraq-your next".

War-torn Iraq finished last on the list of peaceful nations with a score of 3.514.

I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com

Want To Go Green? - Get Lean

by Dave-Editor of Gelotology Today


Do overweight people contribute to global warming? Are the obese responsible for the increasingly worrying world food crisis? Do fat people smell? According to a team from the London School of Hygiene & Tropical Medicine-or just in my opinion, yes.


"The obesity epidemic arose with the gradual weight gain of the population," explains Professor James Hill, Professor of Pediatrics and Director of the Clinical Research Unit at the University of Colorado's Center for Nutrition. "The average American adult gains about 1.8 to 2 lbs. of weight a year, which equates to 18-20 pounds over a decade. The first step in addressing the obesity epidemic is stopping this gradual weight gain".


Obese individuals, due to the fact that they eat more, and tend to eat with their mouths open thus swallowing more air, fart more than the average. The average person produces about half a liter of fart gas a day, distributed over an average of about fourteen farts a day. Some farts contain methane, a dangerous greenhouse gas. More dangerous than CO2, this gas allows sunlight to enter the atmosphere freely. When sunlight strikes the Earth’s surface, some of it is reflected back towards space as infrared radiation (heat). Greenhouse gases absorb this infrared radiation and trap the heat in the atmosphere. A solution to this growing environmental crisis is for overweight people to wear fartypants, available by clicking the link here.


Fat people walk less, and drive more. According to researchers at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and Virginia Commonwealth University, Americans are now pumping 938 million more gallons of fuel annually than they were in 1960 as a result of extra weight in vehicles. And when gas prices average $3.77 a gallon, the tab for overweight people in a vehicle amounts to over $8 million a day. In the journal The Engineering Economist, scientists concluded that each extra pound of body weight in all of today’s vehicles results in the need for more than 39 million gallons of extra gasoline each year. Tell all these gas-asses to take a walk or at least visit America on the Move located here.



Obese individuals consume on average 20 percent more calories than those of normal weight. America, long considered the world's breadbasket, is now implementing food rationing. Major retailers in New York, New England, and on the West Coast are limiting purchases of flour, rice, and cooking oil as demand outstrips supply. At some Costco Warehouses, shoppers grew frustrated and occasionally uttered expletives as they searched in vain for the large sacks of rice they usually buy. "Due to the limited availability of rice, we are limiting rice purchases based on your prior purchasing history," a sign above the dwindling supply said. I recently visited Costco.com and couldn't find any food available.


In 2003, Red Lobster fired CEO Edna Morris and lost millions due an "endless crablegs" promotion. They had grossly underestimated how many pounds of crab legs Americans can eat in one sitting.


All tolled, this adds up to a major environmental crisis. So while you're installing those solar panels on the roof or buying that new hybrid car, think about that second helping at dinner or that sweet snack at midnight-and for the sake of all of us on this precious, blue ball we call Earth...buy a few pairs of Fartypants.




I wish this was posted on Humor-Blogs.com